


Upgrades

by Antipode



Series: I Was Lost Without You [17]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Breasts, F/F, Hot Tub, Innuendo, Lampshade Hanging, Light-Hearted, Mass Effect 3, No Plot/Plotless, Party, Shore Leave, Slow Burn, shiara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29928225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antipode/pseuds/Antipode
Summary: Set during the party in the Citadel DLC of Mass Effect 3. Jack has some questions about the Lazarus Project!This is a fairly silly fic I wrote largely as a warmup/writing exercise. Ends sort of abruptly because I could keep going with plot-less dialogue between all these goofs. Serious lampshade-hanging of a future Jack/Miranda relationship.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Liara T'Soni, Garrus Vakarian/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Jack | Subject Zero/Miranda Lawson
Series: I Was Lost Without You [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937521
Comments: 14
Kudos: 28





	Upgrades

“So, Cheerleader, there’s one thing I’m  _ dying _ to know.”

Miranda sighed inwardly, trying not to let her mounting frustration show. Around her, the party burbled and buzzed; the thrill of victory and the affirmation of life and camaraderie reaching a drunken crescendo that the ex-Cerberus operative could feel thrumming to the heavy bass of the soundtrack as much as she could feel the effect of several Shadowbrokertinis coursing through her bloodstream. These strange aliens and stranger humans that she, strangest of all, was proud to call friends rubbed shoulders - dancing, talking, laughing, swapping stories and tall tales, and in several instances making out nondiscreetly in corners - in the comfortable confines of this luxurious apartment Shepard had somehow fallen backwards into ownership of. It was energizing, heartwarming, and altogether a little too much, and Miranda had sought the quiet of a tucked-away office in the downstairs to catch her breath and steady her slightly-spinning head.

And then Jack had found her.

Miranda found the ex-convict-turned-biotic-instructor trying at her most clear-headed, and tonight she was certainly not that. The combination of defying imminent death  _ yet again _ alongside the Commander, mixed with strong drink and loud music, was likely to loosen her tongue in a way she wasn’t sure she was altogether comfortable with. With a brazen disregard for her personal space the woman had plopped herself nearly on top of her on the couch she was resting on; reeking of hard liquor and soft leather, the metal studs from her jacket digging into Miranda’s shoulder. Jack arched a thin eyebrow, a saucy grin already plastered across her lips.

“Just the one thing?” Miranda kept her voice cool, level, attempting to inject the haughty inflection of command that had once come so naturally to her. It had always been one or the other with Miranda, and so she became the ice queen she felt was expected of her. Lord knew how Shepard managed to switch between charming, affable “one-of-the-guys” and iron-arsed indefatigable commando at the snap of a finger.

“At the moment,” Jack leered, her eyes crawling over Miranda in the way they both knew she found unsettling. They snapped back up to stare directly into Miranda’s. For such a hard woman, she had such wide, expressive brown eyes. Through an alcohol-induced haze Miranda decided that they were beautiful, and then not knowing what to do with that thought filed it away for later, or perhaps never. “You were in charge of rebuilding the Girl Scout, yeah?”

“Shepard? Yes, Lazarus was my project.” Miranda frowned ever so slightly. Jack knew this already, and she couldn’t help but feel like she was being led into a trap by the brazen woman.

“And you were supposed to rebuild her  _ exactly _ the way she was before?”

“Well, as close to exactly as we could,” Miranda said slowly. “We spent years studying her profile, interviewing a select few who had known her, reviewing her files and service record-”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Jack interjected, clearly uninterested. “But you didn’t sneak any, uh, “upgrades” in there?”

Miranda’s frown deepened. “As a result of the cybernetic reconstruction, she has increased body mass, which necessitated the development of her muscles further. Most of that is just Shepard being a gym rat,” she chuckled, “but we  _ did _ jump-start that process, so to speak. And there were some slight modifications made to her biotic amp. I didn’t feel comfortable changing the model - she is oddly proud of that damned L2 - but we commissioned the Serrice Council to manufacture a special one-off of her previous implant using more modern technology.”

“Okay, so she’s stronger, and faster, and her biotics are better. Is that  _ all _ you upgraded?” Jack’s other eyebrow raised. The smile across her full lips grew wider and more insolent.

“Perhaps if I knew what it was, exactly, that you were implying,” Miranda said with a roll of her eyes.

“Her tits are bigger.”

Miranda blinked rapidly. “I… beg your pardon?”

Jack straightened on the couch, a look of pure triumph on her face. “Her. Tits. Are. Bigger.”

Confusion and fury battled for supremacy across Miranda’s face. Confusion, for the moment, won out. “That’s… not possible.” She almost let slip that she’d been personally responsible for overseeing the Commander’s bodily reconstruction and had cross-referenced so many images of Shepard’s nude form she could see it with her eyes closed, but even through her slightly-intoxicated haze recognized that as a poor choice of argument.

“It  _ is _ ,” Jack insisted. “Look.” She brought her ‘omni up, pulling an old photo of Shepard accepting an award from the Citadel Council following the destruction of Sovereign. “You telling me those don’t look smaller, there?”

Miranda opened her mouth to answer, but a stream of indignant, unintelligible, nonsensical stuttering came out, instead.

“Hey Blue! Get in here! Girl Scout, you too! Mirri and I got a question for ya!” Jack bellowed, causing the other woman to wince.  _ Mirri _ floated through Miranda’s mind for a second, didn’t find anything to connect to, and floated away. Desperately, Miranda reached for the glass of water she’d poured herself earlier and instead drank what was left of her Shadowbrokertini by mistake.  _ Oh, hell. _

“Yo, Shepard!”

“Jack..?” Shepard asked cautiously, peeking around the door and spying the two on the couch with a slightly confused and  _ very _ amused look. “Oh - you two are playing nicely, I see. I half-expected to see you at each other’s throats.” The statuesque, Amazonian Commander had her hair down for what might have been the second time in Miranda’s memory; dark lips and darker eyes, and intricate lines of black inkwork up a pair of very lovely and toned arms.

“Some of the males were hoping for it,” Liara lilted behind her, a slightly owlish look on her face. Where Shepard was all smoke and smoulder, her bondmate was dappled sunlight; a floor-length cornflower-yellow gown, silky and supple if a little rumpled, and white gloves to match a vertical white strip across her full lips, only slightly smudged. Judging from her unfocused eyes and the general state of disheveled disarray on the usually so primly put-together asari, Miranda imagined the two of them had likely been “playing nice” in a corner somewhere before the interruption.

“This question is actually mostly for  _ you _ , Blue,” Jack jeered. “Cheerleader says when she gave the Girl Scout the Humpty Dumpty treatment, she put her back together exactly the same.  _ I _ think otherwise. You know Shepard’s body better than anyone - is it the exact same?”

Liara blinked very rapidly, looking between Jack and Miranda and then back to Shepard. “I… beg your pardon?”

“That’s what I said,” Miranda sighed, this time sipping from the correct glass. The cold water stifled some of the blush creeping across her neck and pulled some of her focus from the proximity of a hand resting next to her thigh to the situation at hand. “Sorry Shepard, Liara - she’s just trying to-”

“Trying to figure out  _ why _ Cerberus spent a billion creds on making your tits bigger!” Jack argued, getting off the couch to brandish the photo at the Commander. “Look. Look at this old pic I found - “

Shepard examined it before rolling her eyes. “I’m in uniform,” she groaned, “so I’m wearing a sports bra. I’m not in uniform right now, so I’m  _ not _ wearing a sports bra. For someone who used to exclusively wear belts, you’d think you knew how strapping down works - “

“Total waste of resources, not to mention completely it would be completely unprofessional on my part - “ Miranda chimed in. 

“Being  _ real _ quiet right now, Blue,” Jack observed.

Three sets of eyes fell on Liara.

“We-ell…” Liara’s scales had subtly shifted from a sapphire blue to nearly indigo, and the asari looked as if she’d been in the middle of backing quietly out of the room.

"I KNEW IT," Jack howled immediately.

"N-no, I did not say - oh, Goddess," Liara put her face in her hands.

Miranda's eyebrows were climbing into her hairline. "Doctor T'Soni,” she admonished in a scandalized tone. “You cannot really be suggesting -"

Shepard was silent, her expression somewhere between shocked and hysterical, glancing between the three other women and down at her own chest; her neckline a deep V in the snug black dress Kasumi had insisted she wear for the event.

"Not your breasts, specifically," Liara said haltingly, wringing her hands in clear anxiety. "But… well… and perhaps it was a psychosomatic effect of missing you for two years, and the joy of having you returned… And it is not as if I found you unattractive before…"

Now it was Shepard's turn to have her eyebrows climb into orbit. "I died, and came back  _ hotter _ ?"

Liara bit her bottom lip and looked Shepard up and down, slowly, deliberately. She gave the tiniest of nods.

"Okay, this is  _ completely _ unscientific," Miranda complained. Privately, she felt a pang of envy at the way the asari's sparkling eyes gazed so adoringly at Shepard, and at how utterly devoted and full of an uncomplicated love the tall woman's return gaze was.

"Shut up," Jack suggested. "I knew it. I  _ knew _ it. Maybe the tits thing is just me, but I  _ knew _ you pervs at Lazarus did some weirdo shit like this. Tell it, Blue."

"Well…" Liara chewed on the inside of her cheek, her attention entirely focused on Shepard. "There is an… edge, to you, that you did not have previously. You courted danger, before, but now you seem to wear it about you like a shawl. Your hair…" She curled a finger around a jet-black lock. "I love your long hair, but your shorter hair made you seem more aggressive, somehow. Your physicality is more… defined? You even seem a little taller." Her hands ran lightly up Shepard's waist, seemingly involuntarily. "Already I found you irresistible, but after… It made it infuriating to be angry with you, when you came to me in Nos Astra as if nothing had happened in the prior two years. It is why I had to force myself to keep my distance at first, instead letting you push me against the wall like I wanted you to, and-" She caught herself, dropping her hands. "Oh."

"No, no," A rich, two-toned voice intoned playfully. "Keep going." Garrus' tall, slim shadow loomed over the two of them before pushing past into the room, wearing what Miranda had come to understand as a grin on his mandibles. Tali, following behind him, clutching a wineglass in each hand, was nearly doubled over giggling.

"I- oh,  _ Goddess _ ," Liara sighed, burying her face in her hands again. "If Kasumi is there with you-"

"She's not, so nobody recorded that, but I  _ really _ wish I had," Tali guffawed. Her voice pitched to a saccharine sing-song, languishing against Garrus for all she was worth. "Oh, Shepard, you are so  _ dangerous _ and  _ sexy _ with your  _ muscles _ and  _ short hair _ and  _ tattoos _ … _ " _

_ "By the Goddess, _ " Garrus chimed in, his own voice's pitch raising as high as it would go as he mimed a swoon. Both dextros dissolved into a fit of laughter.

"I had a feeling she was a bottom," Jack snorted.

"I don't even know what that means!"

"I'll tell you later," Shepard said with a wink, and Liara's yelp - and Shepard's grin - suggested Liara'd been pinched somewhere sensitive.

"But those are all things you find attractive  _ in _ Shepard," Miranda argued, sparing the tormented asari a pitying glance. "Intangibles that I would not be able to alter even if I tried. She's powerful, and confident, and you find that sexy. That's natural."

"I don't know how confident I was feeling in Nos Astra," Shepard mused. "More like-"

"Moody," Garrus finished for her. "Moody is the word you're looking for. I have never drunk so much in my life, commiserating with you in that terrible bar by the starport. My liver may never recover."

"I was  _ not _ moody!" she protested.

" _ So _ moody," Tali shook her head. "You insisted on field-stripping, maintaining, and re-assembling the entire weapons cache,  _ twice _ ? You chased poor Jacob out of his own armory!"

"And then you nearly broke him and I in the weight room," Jack reminded her, slightly wistfully. "Fuck, my abs looked so good. I've never been in better shape than when Shepard was pissed and horny."

"I was not- I was not "moody,"" Shepard insisted. "Miranda, back me up here."

All eyes fell on Miranda. It took every ounce of willpower to maintain a neutral face. "Shepard, as your friend and former XO… you were incredibly moody," she said, suddenly bursting into a smile. "The lower decks crew put out warnings for when you were performing inspections. I believe there was money being put in a jar to fund you taking an extended leave at Afterlife. Joker's idea."

Shepard's mouth opened and closed in a soundless, comical fury. Liara, bright purple and now biting her bottom lip to stifle laughter, put a reassuring hand on her lover's arm.

"Hey, at least you got a killer revenge bod out of it," Jack shrugged. "Maybe you should leave her in the doghouse more often, Blue."

"I don't know what what means, either," Liara blinked.

"It means Shepard got in really good shape just so when she came to Nos Astra you would see what you were missing out on and get jealous," Garrus explained.

Everyone stared at him.

"What? I know about building muscle. You think all this-" he gestured to his tall, lanky, muscular frame, "- you think all this happens on its own? I put in  _ work _ for this."

Five identical groans. "You've been spending too much time with James."

“This still doesn’t answer my question,” Jack complained, folding her arms. “Garrus, Tali. You two were with the Girl Scout from before, too - did she or did she not get hotter after she bit the big one? Specifically the tits. G, you look like a tit man.”

“Err, you just made this really weird,” Garrus stammered. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable -”

“Yeah, Vakarian,” Tali elbowed him in the side. “Tell us how you feel about Shepard’s tits.” Through her body language, they could all feel, rather than see, Tali’s confused frown from behind her opaque facemask. Her voice lowered. “We’re talking about Shepard’s breasts, right? Why do you humans call them “tits”? Do  _ I _ have tits, or just breasts? Is there a difference?”

“Fuck yeah,” Jack chortled, throwing an arm around Miranda’s shoulder. “Mirri here? Tits. Blue?  _ Fantastic _ tits. Shepard? Especially in that dress? Fuck yeah.” She grabbed at her own breasts for emphasis. “I think you and I just have breasts, Sparky. Maybe titties, I dunno. I’m not in charge of naming things.”

“So it’s related to size..? I still don’t understand,” Tali sighed, opting to instead take another drink through her “emergency induction port.”

“Are… we gonna talk about my tits all night?” Shepard grumbled.

“Do human women not compliment each others’ breasts?” Liara wondered. “You seem uncomfortable, love.”

“Shepard’s just a prude,” Jack sniggered. “Queen of the Girl Scouts…”

“Jack, I am drunk and belligerent enough to whip these out  _ right now _ -”

“ _ Please _ don’t do that,” Garrus begged.

Miranda cleared her throat, loudly. “I  _ might _ have a better idea.”

  
  


Letting out a satisfied sigh, Jack sank deeper into the hottub. “Okay, Cheerleader, I take it back. You  _ do _ have good ideas, sometimes.”

“Nobody else was using it,” Miranda shrugged, sipping a fresh Shadowbrokertini provided by a feverishly-working Traynor, shaking cocktails half-submerged while multiple biotics levitated bottles around her. “Except Garrus and Zaeed, but they were both drunkenly mumbling something about booby-trapping it. I  _ did _ check for booby-traps,” she added, seeing Traynor’s sudden, shocked expression.

“We weren’t  _ actually _ going to booby-trap it,” Garrus called from beyond the door.

“Anyways,” Miranda rolled her eyes. “Not only is this hottub infinitely more comfortable than where we were sitting previously, now  _ everybody’s _ tits are out.” She laughed lightly. “Except Tali. Sorry, Tali.”

“Don’t mind me,” the quarian slurred, lying on her back with Jack’s bra draped over her suit. “I’ll just soak in the steam, I suppose.”

“Some tits are definitely more out than others,” Traynor asserted, passing a tumbler over toward Shepard and studiously avoiding looking at Jack or Liara.

“Asari do not wear undergarments,” Liara shrugged, her scales flush with the heat of the pool but her expression placid. “And culturally are quite accustomed to nudity and communal bathing. A byproduct of Thessia’s humidity.”

“I’m just following Blue’s lead.” Jack grinned and crushed her beer can before cracking another one. “Fuck yeah, Blue. You are  _ way _ cooler than I remembered.”

“I shall take that as a compliment,” the asari preened.

“So, let me see if I understand all this.” Traynor passed Shepard Liara’s cocktail before settling under the bubbles with her own. “Jack, here, thinks when Miranda, here, rebuilt the Commander, that Cerberus spent money to make her, uh… well, you know… bigger?”

Shepard crooked an amused eyebrow. “You can just call me ‘Shepard’ tonight, Samantha. We’re on leave.”

“Nooo, no, uh-uh.” Traynor’s bangs swished as she shook her head vehemently. “I am drunk in a hottub, in my underwear, with my commanding officer - also in her underwear - as well as her wife and friends. Teenage Samantha would be melted into a puddle of gay panic, and adult Samantha is barely keeping things together. I already put my foot in it with the chess thing, so Specialist Traynor will be calling you “ma’am” tonight, ma’am.” She took a long sip of her cocktail.

Concern flitted across Shepard’s face. “For the record none of this was my idea. But I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything that makes you uncomfortable, Specialist.”

“No no!” Traynor splashed and spluttered. “I just happen to be very visibly the one least comfortable in her body and sexuality in this room, and everyone is  _ very _ pretty and also wearing much nicer lingerie than I am, and I am definitely not discussing my commanding officer’s breasts while in a hottub with her naked wife.”

“Liara is very nice, Sam,” Tali offered, upside down and rocking back and forth on the cool tiled floor. “She doesn’t bite. I think that’s Shepard, judging from the concealer Liara is always having to wear on her neck.”

“Not helping,” Traynor mumbled, slipping further under the bubbles.

“Shepard’s underwear is actually much cuter than I expected,” Miranda teased with a sly smile. “I thought you might’ve been born in standard-issue Alliance blue, Commander. Is that a little lace, I see?”

“Everyone is always so surprised when I’m not all “oo-rah, go Navy” 24/7,” Shepard complained. “I  _ do  _ have a life outside the corps, you know.”

“You absolutely do  _ not _ have a life outside of the corps, Girl Scout” Jack hooted. “All you  _ do _ is work. When was the last time you cut loose outside of shore leave?”

Shepard’s mouth opened and then snapped closed. “Look- Okay, look. I was a  _ much _ more fun person when the galaxy didn’t decide to appoint me flagbearer for a total war against an ancient alien AI. This has been a… well, it’s been a difficult what, year? Three years? I don’t even know how to reckon with how much  _ time _ has passed. I’m just trying to hold on to what I’ve got, here, and hoping there’s something left...” She looked down into her drink and quickly tossed back whatever was left.

“Love?” The water rippled, rather than splashed, as Liara raised up to slip her arms around Shepard’s neck and nuzzle the side of her head. “Everyday, after.”

Shepard closed her eyes and nodded, leaning into her asari’s embrace. “Everyday after,” she agreed in a small voice.

Jack snorted and rolled her eyes. “You two are fucking disgustingly cute. I don’t know how you go from being top five baddest bitch in space to  _ this _ , but if the Reapers could see you now they’d all self-destruct from cringe.”

Miranda frowned and started to say something, but the corners of Shepard’s mouth curled upwards into a smile as she continued to nuzzle her lover’s scales. “Love you too, sweetie,” the Commander teased. Jack mimed vomiting, but Miranda spotted a slight misty-eyed smile in the biotic’s expression, as well.

“Not in any danger of getting sentimental on us as well, Jack?” Miranda arched an eyebrow and sipped her drink. Jack scowled, very nearly a pout.

“Fuck you, Cheerleader. I’ve been on the front lines while you were getting your bubbly butt kicked by a weirdo with a sword,” she scoffed.

It shouldn’t have stung, but it did. Miranda bristled. “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

“Uh-huh,” Jack sneered with a toss of her head, half-rising out of the water to stretch out a tattooed, tautly-muscled set of arms. Miranda coiled as if to spring, a biotic tingle rippling through the back of her brain as she seized a fistful of dark matter and felt the other woman do same. Across from them, Traynor and Tali both scooted back in alarm, and Miranda could feel the titanic pulse of Liara’s considerable biotic power rumble in warning, like the distant tremor of an approaching train.

Shepard barely moved a muscle, lounging louche against the edge of the hottub. “Honestly, you two should probably just kiss and get it over with,” she drawled in a tone that was almost a yawn.

Both Miranda and Jack dropped their grip on their biotics almost immediately, and even Liara had to stifle a surprised snort.

“What the fuck..?” Jack goggled.

“I mean, this is all just sexual tension, right? Two powerful biotics, forceful personalities, confident in their sexuality…”

“You are  _ shitting _ me,” Jack gaped.

“Oh my god…” Miranda buried her face in her hands, as much to disguise her blush as bury her annoyance.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Shepard smirked. Liara looked between Jack and Miranda and then back to her lover with a quizzical look, until Shepard leaned in to whisper something in her aurals. Matching smiles spread across both of their faces.

Jack rolled her eyes and tossed away another crushed, empty beer can. “You know we don’t mean nothin’ by it. Wasn’t  _ actually _ gonna smear the walls with her bouncy butt, Shepard; she fights better pissed off, I’m just keeping her primed. You can put the gun away.”

“Wait, what?” Traynor scooted back even further. “How did she..? I watched her undress! I mean-” Blushing furiously, she re-submerged all but her eyes, blowing a steady stream of anxious bubbles.

“She doesn’t  _ actually _ always have a gun on her, somewhere,” Tali groaned. “She just likes to pretend she does. It’s part of the Shepard mystique.”

A slow, knowing smirk curled at the corner of Shepard’s lips. “Don’t I?”

“Hundred creds says she snuck one in somehow,” Jack asserted.

“Not touching that,” Miranda shook her head. “I learned early on to never put anything past her.” The four of them looked at Liara, who shook her head vehemently. Her grin widening, Shepard deliberately lifted the hand she had kept under the water all this time, a stubby, snub-nosed supercompact pistol dripping from one outstretched finger. She deposited it on the side of the hottub in silence, her smile insufferable.

“You’re insufferable,” Miranda suggested. Shepard barked a laugh.

“Love you, too, sweetie.”

“You know, Commander,” Traynor bubbled, “when Jack was talking about your, ahem, “ordnance” earlier, I’m not sure that’s what she meant...”


End file.
